


Don't Worry About, Me, It's Alright

by cactusthespacecat



Category: The Bright Sessions (Podcast), The College Tapes (Podcast)
Genre: Discussion of Disordered Eating, Gen, M/M, Not Beta Read, adam only mentioned, ben bernard im holding your hand, canon-typical arguing, frankie is an angel and we dont deserve him, i love sadie but you didnt hear me say it, this is my type two enneagram caleb manifesto
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-04
Updated: 2021-02-04
Packaged: 2021-03-15 21:15:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,743
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29195940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cactusthespacecat/pseuds/cactusthespacecat
Summary: 𝑻𝒆𝒍𝒍 𝒎𝒆, 𝒊𝒔 𝒔𝒐𝒎𝒆𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒘𝒓𝒐𝒏𝒈?𝑰𝒇 𝒔𝒐𝒎𝒆𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒈'𝒔 𝒘𝒓𝒐𝒏𝒈, 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒄𝒂𝒏 𝒄𝒐𝒖𝒏𝒕 𝒐𝒏 𝒎𝒆𝒀𝒐𝒖 𝒌𝒏𝒐𝒘 𝑰'𝒍𝒍 𝒕𝒂𝒌𝒆 𝒎𝒚 𝒉𝒆𝒂𝒓𝒕 𝒄𝒍𝒆𝒂𝒏 𝒂𝒑𝒂𝒓𝒕 𝒊𝒇 𝒊𝒕 𝒉𝒆𝒍𝒑𝒔 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓𝒔 𝒃𝒆𝒂𝒕I wrote this on my phone so the formatting is extra crunchy.!!CW for discussions of disordered eating!!
Relationships: Adam Hayes/Caleb Michaels
Comments: 1
Kudos: 9





	Don't Worry About, Me, It's Alright

"Hey, hey, hey, no it's okay, when did you last eat?"

I looked at Ben, my eyes wide. My shoulders tensed at every move they made, even though they were just slumping over to sit next to me on the couch.

"I dunno? Breakfast?" They were shrugging, and I could tell that they felt that sludging, lethargic slime to their core.

"Fuck, Ben, you look so… tired? You feel tired, hell."

Sadie spoke up from the corner of the room, her arms tense and her eyebrows furrowed.

"Ben, it's 3 in the damn morning, how stupid can you-"

I shot her a look. I knew- fuck I know she never means to come off mean, but Ben just felt so squishy? Right then. Like they'd believe anything negative that they were told.

I took a deep breath.

"We've got leftover pizza from Monday, Frankie can you-"

Ben laughed. They meant it. They meant a real laugh, but it sounded so hollow, considering that they almost passed out just by standing up.

"Monday's 'za? Isn't it fossilized by now?" 

"Probably," Sadie and I mumbled at the same time.

I heard the fridge close and Frankie came up, grinning.

"One rock hard pizza for your majesty, the athlete who forgot to eat."

Ben grinned, taking the plate and ripping off pieces. 

"Thanks, buddy."

There was a long moment where the four of us sat there and they picked the slice apart.

"Are you… Okay?"

I said it like it was a question I had… ever fucking heard answered truthfully. 

I wasn't ready for the immediate sadness though. It was almost cold, so sudden and overwhelming that I had to bite back tears. 

Man, I wanted to stop feeling people's emotions right about fucking now, actually.

"Ben?"

They looked up from the pizza. They'd eaten all of the olives off of it, but everything else was mostly intact.

"Yeah?"

My heart ached.

Even without supernatural empathy, I want nothing more than my friends to feel happy, to feel good, to feel whole. And Ben felt so empty and hurt, like when you shatter a window but it's one of those meant to keep cold out, so there's another layer of glass. It's just not the same window, you know?

I was willing to do fucking anything to see Ben happy, to stop feeling that silent, aching worry from Sadie and Frankie.

"What can I do to help you remember to eat? And sleep while we're at it, you push yourself way too hard to survive like this, Ben."

Ben laughed a little. "I can keep doing it, Caleb, I want to know how far I can go on my ability alone. It's the off season for rowing, so if I pass out, I'm really only around you guys and you know that-"

I rolled my eyes, realizing what they're talking about. "Oh my- Fuck Ben. I take it Sadie's comment back, you're so stupid. You can't survive on your ability alone and I can't-"

"No, Caleb, you don't get it, I can! Energy is energy, right, and that includes calories and any energy we gain by sleeping and-"

"And you didn't bother to ask me? I'm making a career out of this stuff." Sadie's tone was the same, calm and rough around the edges, but her cool worry was coming off of her in waves.

I felt like I was suffocating, but I swallowed the lump in my throat. It wasn't important. Ben was what was important; IS important.

Ben was looking at Sadie, and I took their distraction as an opportunity to take a long breath again.

"Look, Sadie, I trust you, but they aren't exactly covering atypical abilities in your sports medicine classes."

"Hey- it’s pre med, and don't act like that's gonna fly, Ben, you know as well as I do that a human body needs a list of things in order to-"

Sadie was yelling now. Oh fuck, Sadie was yelling at Ben, and all of Ben's emotions were electric; their stabbing defensiveness and pride and an emotion that felt like standing on the springs of a trampoline; all reaching out and prodding me in the gut.

"Sadie! Please!"

The words were out of my mouth before I could stop them.

Frankie walked over to Ben and started handing them the ripped pieces of pizza, sitting next to them and rubbing their back.

"Sorry, Caleb. Got carried away."

"You're- fuck you're fine, just-"

My eyes burned, my whole head felt like it was full of air. I felt like if I stopped clenching my fists, I would float away. Another deep breath. In and out.

"Don't yell at them." I looked at Ben, then. "Don't yell at her, either."

"Got it."

"I'm sorry about that."

Another deep breath. I was suffocating in the worry but I wanted- no, I NEEDED to fix this. To change it. 

"Ben, you have to take care of yourself. Your experiment is honestly… really fucking cool when it comes to an idea. But you can't risk stuff like your health."

"But the science would be-"

"The science would be fucking cool. But I'd- I'd forget all the science I know to make sure that you're safe, Ben."

Sadie snorted next to me. 

"Wouldn't take much convincing, Michaels, not much to forget."

"You know what I mean." 

I don't know who I was talking to then, but Ben smiled.

"We can help you see how far your power goes, what you're able to do, I promise. I'm willing to help, but you can't just wing it like that, Ben. I-"

I was sweating so much. I felt like my brain was inside out, trying to keep my friends emotions out of my head, especially, fucking especially Ben's emotions. 

Another breath.

"I dunno what I would do without you, Ben." Frankie spoke up for me, offering Ben another chunk of pizza.

Ben looked down.

They were… angry. Mostly sad, I guess, and a heart stopping tenseness, like a wild animal sizing up its surroundings. 

But Ben was definitely fucking angry.

No, no, no, no. I couldn't focus on that. No matter how mad they were, I could just ask. I didn't matter if they were mad at themselves, or us.

"I don't know what I would do without you guys, either. I just… thought I could do it, yaknow?"

Sadie nodded sagely, as if she didn't dive headfirst into cussing them out like, five minutes ago.

"If we have one thing between the four of us, it's blinding hubris." Frankie mumbled, grinning. 

I didn't want to even try to figure out which ones of us felt a wave of defensiveness. Probably all of us. 

Ben chuckled a little at that. "I guess."

"What does this mean for your 'test' anyways, Bernard?" Sadie said. She was braiding a strand of hair from behind her ear, something I didn't need a power to know was because of stress.

"Not good, I guess. Maybe I didn't gather enough energy though? Frankie, punch my leg we can-"

"Oh woah, absolutely not, we're doing this the old fashioned way. Pizza."

Ben was getting frustrated, and it dawned on me. They genuinely didn't understand why we were upset.

But they were eating.

There was a beat where I took another breath, my eyes screwed shut and heart pounding. I wish it would slow down so I could just- transplant it into Ben's chest. Give them new, working parts. They deserved it, no matter how stupid they were being.

"I'll make you a deal, Ben."

Ben looked up, chewing the last part of the second slice. 

"You can try whatever you want; run a marathon, punch me, make a roller coaster in our backyard and rise it until you're fucking boiling. Hell, take the breath out of my chest, get struck by lightning, whatever you need."

Ben started to look confused, so I barreled on. 

"Whatever you want to do to push your power to its limits; I'll help." I took a deep breath. "Tomorrow, after good sleep and a good meal."

"But cold week old pizza is the meal of the gods, Caleb." I don't know if it was Sadie or Frankie that said that; my brain felt like it was inflated.

I smiled, but it felt stiff. The air felt stale. 

"It would be if we had any more of it."

"Right." Ben mumbled through a handful of pizza.

"Does that sound like a deal?"

Ben nodded.

"I just want you- I need you to know that we care about you, and that this isn't a small thing, Ben."

"I get it, you don't have to be my parent, Caleb."

I rolled my eyes. "Then don't act like a kid."

There was a flash of white hot anger, but I was already apologizing. 

"No, I'm sorry, that was unfair. You're passionate about sorting things out with your ability and you only have so many resources."

Ben shrugged. "Yeah."

But the emotions in the room were at a simmer now. Sadie was still upset at Ben, Ben was still upset at Sadie, Frankie was just worried and tired and I- 

I wasn't important. not right then.

I took a deep breath and stood up. 

"Hey Sadie, do you wanna talk for a second?" 

She looked up, confused. "Sure, Michaels, what's up?"

I nodded towards the door of my bedroom, and then remembered how thin the walls were and shook my head. "Actually, we'll go outside. I- I need some air."

Sadie didn't need an ability to tell that something was wrong, and so she followed me without a word.

I looked back in the house, halfway out the door. "Frankie, there's two protein shakes in the door of the fridge. One for each of you." 

"I ate just-"

I sighed, looking down as I kept Goose from escaping. "Please just… humor me, okay?"

Frankie nodded, going back towards the fridge as I shut the door. 

"What's up, kid?"

I took a deep breath. "Nothing, just- yaknow. Atypical shit."

Sadie squinted at me, sitting down on the stairs. 

"Are you sure that's it?"

I laughed; it felt hollow. "Who's the supernatural empath now?"

"How many times do me and Alice have to tell you that you're not as secretive as you wish you were?"

"Shit, Sadie, maybe you shouldn't say it so loud. If I wanna keep it a secret, I mean."

The last part made it come off way more genuine than I thought, and I winced at Sadie's worry coming off of her.

"Caleb, are you okay? Like- really."

I opened my mouth, running my hands through my hair. 

And then I took a breath and shut it.

"Just worried about the job thing, yaknow?" I mumbled.

"Worried how? I know that your AM shit threw a wrench in your plans but you're working on your ability, right? Nothing happened in there?"

My eyes went wide and I looked at her, shocked. Fuck, I didn't even think about any of-

"No, no. Fuck no. At least… I don't think so. I guess I can ask Ben." 

"When they're calmed down, probably."

I sat for a second. 

Should I tell her? Should I tell her about how I feel like I'm drowning again? That I feel like my heart is a million pounds in my chest. That whenever I feel happy, I can't help but wonder if it's only because that's what someone ELSE is feeling. That I feel like sometimes, Adam wouldn't love me if I was… different. Not atypical. That I've started secluding myself every weekend by telling my friends I'm busy with Adam and telling Adam I'm busy with friends. 

Breathe, Caleb. Take a fucking breath and look around. 

The streetlights felt muted in the snow, their light barely reaching the ground, much less lighting up the look on Sadie's face. 

"What's going through your head, Caleb?"

I shook my head, almost involuntarily. 

And focused on problems way closer to the surface.

"I'm worried about Ben, mostly."

"They're smart, Michaels."

I laughed a little. "So fucking smart."

I swallowed a lump in my throat.

"I'm gonna be real with you, Sadie, you and me both know what it's like to fuck with our bodies just to see if we can."

"It's that easy to tell?"

Her voice is neutral, like most of the time, but I know she knows I can feel the sickly waves of sudden panic. 

"No, no, I didn't mean like that. I just mean that especially in high school, I took a lot of the jock shit way too seriously and forgot that my body was a body and not just a-"

"A machine, yeah."

Sadie was looking at the streetlights now.

"Yeah." I took a breath, closing my eyes against the feelings coming from the house. Frankie and Ben seemed to be having a heart to heart too.

"Is that-" I said, trying so hard to dance around Sadie's feelings, to just feel my own for a second. "Is that why you got so upset at them?"

"Oh, Caleb, I'm so sorry I totally forgot about your ability and I got so- that must have been so hard for you."

"No, fuck, don't worry about me, Sadie, I'm worried about you."

I was smiling. It was so nice to be asked, apologized to, cared about, that Sadie's answer took me off guard.

"Yeah, I think some of it was that. I don't wanna shit all over my sweet old hometown, but none of those popular, pretty people standards were for people yaknow… built like me."

"And they didn't like… make an exception for you winning every basketball game?"

Sadie shook her head. "You were in high school, Caleb. You know they didn't."

I heard her, but I was already stumbling into my revision statement. "-not that they shouldn't have been assholes even if you weren't athletic, Sadie, high school sucks so damn bad and I-"

Sadie let me fizzle out instead of interrupting me. Man, switching between her and Adam's conversation styles was so jarring. Sadie expected me to have the ends of sentences when I started them.

"Caleb, I don't know why you brought me out here."

I was so glad to have my power, because the look that Sadie was giving me could have killed a moose, but her feelings were warm.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have dragged you along."

"No, you're fine. I'm glad being part of your whole "coping with problems in my life by trying to fix others" thing. It's like having a therapist."

"Kind of a bad therapist."

Sadie laughed with me, leaning back on her hands to look up at the stars. The few stars we could see in the city.

"Not all of you can be your Doctor Bright. I do feel like I should pay you, though."

"Oh come on, it's on the house."

Sadie laughed, but I interrupted her, grinning.

"No really, I can't pay rent this month."

Sadie leaned back on her knees and put her head in her hands.

"Michaels, you fucko, did you lose the coffee shop job?"

I laughed, and the pause was long enough for Sadie to land a couple good punches.

"Sadie- Sadie- SADIE! It's all good, I'm kidding. I've still got the job and I can pay rent, I just thought it was clever."

"Clever, my ass. You keep taking pointers from Adam and I'll make you take pointers from my dad, Michaels."

My eyes went wide as Sadie stood up and extended her hand. "Wait, isn't your dad-"

"Yeah, you heard me. Watch it, jock boy. Six feet under."

I laughed, taking her hand and standing up with a grunt.

"Thanks for coming out with me, Sadie."

"Anytime, Caleb. Just-" Her feelings were fire under my skin, itching and crawling just below the surface. "Just remember that I'm here to talk. About your shit too."

I laughed. "Thanks. You're not a therapist though."

"Did I say I was?"

"No…" 

"Then don't say obvious things like they're an answer. I can't promise to help you, but you can't bottle everything up."

I opened my mouth, wanting to protest.

"And don't act like you open up much more to your actual therapist, Caleb. I know you better than that."

I sighed, opening the door back up and taking a deep breath to walk back into the simmering hellfire of my house.


End file.
